Asylum: Nazi's at the center of the earth

oh boy...

as i was scrolling through netflix i came across this little title and i said well i thought "Iron Sky was gonna be bad but was pleasantly surprised by how well it was made. i can't let all that mental preparation go to waste why no watch the Asylum rip off of Iron sky and see if its even half of the movie Iron sky was." spoilers it is not. i didn't realize it was an asylum film till the credit popped up first thing when i started the movie and i said i better pause this movie get my note pad and a stiff drink before i dig into this turd.
         A little background i personally have never been able to sit through an entire Asylum Production till this one other than sharknado. kudos to these guys i suppose but most of the time i get 10 minutes into Asylum movie before I'm more bored by the movie than i would be looking at a blank screen for 2 hours first one that comes to mind that was like that was Alan Quartermaine but this one had all the star power Jake Busey can bring to bare so at least i got to see him chew the scenery for what felt like 2 hours. this movies actually comes in at 89 minutes with credits but there are so many moments i threw my hands up in the air yelling WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!
i wrote down a few of my favorite lines just so i could quote them for you here it goes
"Antarctica is the new frontier for medical research!"
"When you live in Antarctica for ten years you hear things."
"How are we going to escape?! Were just doctors."
this movies only saving grace is that there is a CG MECHA-ZOMBIE-HITLER and he's mad. honestly I'd suggest if you're going to watch this one stiff drinks all around and you better be with someone to talk about this movie with because it is baffling confusing strangely blocked strangely acted and poorly written. rating as a movie i give it 3/10 as a hilarious cluster of a movie i still can only give it a 4/10. to much of the movie feels like actors acting like bad actors like when you see a TV show or movie in a TV show and they are chewing scenery like it was taffy. the effects are funny and half finished most the time but the rest of this movie its a hard sit.

a brief update

             i have been posting rather haphazardly for the last several years to all who might read this I'm sorry I've not kept a solid schedule for this but i hope i can start i will try and put a review of some kind up every 2 weeks if time and life allows i love to write and share about what I've watched in the pile of terrible movies i own and find though Netflix and now i have a new source to look though with Amazon Prime. my goal for these reviews was to try and stick with easily accessed material with netflix and hulu and all the streaming movie services i could get my hands on but i feel i will start announcing where i found the movie because i own over 400 terrible movies about 100 of those I've probably actually seen.


               So the plan is to release a movie review every other Monday if not every Monday. if you enjoy what i do thanks for your support. if you're not a fan of my rambling diatribes...Sorry? but if you could share what i do with other review lovers or cinephiles I'd appreciate it. i plan to start working extra hard on this now that my living situation has well stabilized and hopefully have a few guest reviews from my fellow reviewer friends.


                As for what i plan to work on the future as far as movies your guess is as good as mine but i have been working on a side project that i will post here when its done i feel an audio version of the reviews might be more palatable for more people but that is just in its infancy so we'll see if i can schedule the time to do it regularly. First step is first hard to follow a review site that goes dead for months and years at a time so lets get regular like Metamucil.(and no im not above the occasional poop joke)

BL

Iron Sky 2012

This movie...

           this movie has been on my list of movies that came out in the last couple years that i have thought would be by all rights a terrible but hilarious movie that would be sure to make me laugh at its cheesiness. I must say i was pleasantly surprised by this movie for the fact of the matter is i was very engaged by this movie despite its ridiculous tropes and its glaring flaws if you buy in its worth a watch. The whole movie if you haven't heard a word about it (aka you don't always troll for bad movies like a masochist strolling through a whip convention like i do) is about Nazis that some how during the fall of the third Reich took to the moon creating a huge lunar base on the dark side of the moon. Well if that basic premise doesn't immediately hook you how about watching space zeppelin launching asteroids at the  earth and Nazi UFOs fighting plasma rifle shooting space shuttles grab you?


            This entire movie is an extreme tongue and cheek bash of just about every government especially the US but all have a little ribbing or jab here and there. CG is NOT syfy quality for this surprisingly good special effects and a few very well shot fight scenes and space battle looks rather good just don't think too hard about this movie and its far more pleasant that you would really think it has any right to be. my overall score for this movie is a 6/10 above average, funny where it needs to be, it veers into trope-y territory from time to time but moves past it just as fast. I suggest this is a one and done movie once you've seen it you probably wouldn't wanna watch it again till you completely forgotten about it but its better that its premise has any right to be.

6/10

Ink

        I've always said one of the things i found missing from most review sites is movies that they love or find dear to their heart and I've always love to introduce people to movies they haven't seen or most likely haven't so here it goes. Today I Bring you Ink A lovely little Indie Film made with an obvious shoestring budget but works well with what it has. this movie is without spoilers about Dreams and specifically about the idea that Good and bad dreams are brought on by good and bad sides in a war that is forever raging. Generally speaking this could easily take on religious overtones and yet it manages to steer clear of that and still deeply investigate the human Psyche.
 The movie does more with its film effects and simple camera tricks than most people do with a full multi-million dollar box office hit does and for a movie that has very little dialogue get every point driven home beautifully this is I believe a must see movie for anyone looking to make a small budget production with world building ambitions. This movie gets an honest 9/10 for me because even with every flaw it had the movie evokes a bit of every emotion at appropriate times and pacing never slowing down so much to be dull and never going off course. I try generally to find movies everyone can have easy access to and this one is perhaps the easiest it is in full for free on YouTube Check it out if you're looking for a good movie with both action and Food for thought.

Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared Syn

Do you remember when to make a post apocalyptic movie all you needed was a over abundance of costume jewelry, enough eye shadow for the whole cast male and female, a leather jumpsuit, and a lot of plastic shoulder pads? welcome to Metalstorm: the Destruction of Jared Syn. where the Cuts between scenes are weird and the scenes between dialogue are weirder love takes a day and a half to bloom and chase scenes are shot by strapping a camera to the hood of their weird looking cars. And everything in the world is based on crystals... including magic? this movie is weird and can't seem to decide what its doing weather it wants to be a sci-fi fantasy or a post apocalyptic piece, best way i can explain the setting is if a poor mans version of Star Wars and a Poorer mans version of Road warrior had a weird fucked up flipper baby and then that made a child with Krull then you would have Metalstorm... well almost... also add a 5 pound bag of Dull and your probably on the money for making Metalstorm.  common questions i was asking while watching this movie were "whats happening? Why is it happening? where are we? and simply what?"

 I suppose i should try and actually give you a plot summary of some kind but I'm not exactly sure what just happened in front of my eyes Also i can only remember 3 peoples names in this whole movie. Best i got random girl and dad are mining crystals in a cave when they get attacked by a one armed cyborg for mining where they were random girl hides in cave while dad takes the Gack attack and gets his life force drained into a crystal. the cyborg leaves and Dogen shows up to ask all sorts of questions of the girl then they leave to go ask PVC dude what the crystal they found is and figure out its a life force USB drive. The Tech to USB life force is from McGuffen City and no one has ever been there before except this one guy Rhodes so the go to find Han Solo... i mean Rhodes. meanwhile a connection is made between cyborg and obviously evil shoulder pads man who i didn't know was Jared Syn till 45 minutes into the movie i thought it was one armed cyborg. Shoulder pads wants to rule the world so he got a huge magic crystal that does whatever plot convenience says it does so he steals girl from Dogen via teleport crystal. Now Dogen has to find Rhodes, Kill  One armed Cyborg, and go after Shoulder pads.

Apparently from the minimal research i did this was supposed to start a resurgence of 3-D but as it goes you'd need a basic; decent script first. the plot was silly and basic, the directing and camera ranged from weird to down right awful as was most of the Acting. With all of the bizarre choices in props, makeup, and scenes in general this movie looks to be little more than a jumbled mess. I give this movie a 2/10 if your movie is more confusing that cool re-think your editing job and just because your movie has 3-D available doesn't mean everything else that makes a movie good should suffer.
Special Thanks To Crash for the suggestion

gallowwalkers

well well well now.... a movie i went into expecting.. well I'll be honest i was expecting a Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance and this movie exceeded my expectations...but not by much. Wesley Snipes is in this apparently with a really silly looking beard ass a bad ass Cowboy zombie hunter. That's right this movie is specifically about zombie hunting in the wild west with vague religious overtones mixed with a bit of occult black magic just to spice it up. I'm going to start with what this movie did right 1. lots of real squibs and practical mixed with CG for all gore effects to make them look decent. 2.Perhaps the coolest effect that is thrown into the movie is there for no reason or a silly reason but there is a guy with nothing but muscle tissue on his body and it looks fantastic. 3. Wesley Snipes.
Unfortunately as Far as everything else goes its a little silly or badly tied together. Issues range from Bad Cuts between scenes, terrible establishing shots, Forgettable characters, strangely filmed gunfights, and a villain who is Maniacal laughter, mustache twirling, evil. Now can i say i was bored with the movie not at all but can i say i was entertained for the right reasons or emotionally invested in the characters? Definitely not. i just finished watching the movie 20 minutes ago and i couldn't tell you a single name of any character in the movie.
For my bit i give this a 4.5/10 it still held my interest and it was kind of fun even if they lingered on their CG and desert establishing shots for a few minutes too long. I've seen a similar story told worse but i can't say this was new, refreshing, thought provoking, or particularly well acted as a whole.If you like the idea though effects and production value wise its probably still worth a peep.

Side note if you're making a movie and you show a bunch of dead extras make sure that they don't blink a handful of times in the shot.

Aeon Flux

What can honestly be said for this movie. For those of you Old enough to remember Liquid TV on MTV this is a wholehearted disappointment. For Those who are completely unfamiliar with the series its simply a story told very poorly. This movie has some of the poorest choices when it comes to costuming, set design, special effects, and script in my opinion. With the added bonus of actually seeing the source material this movie fumbles to even come close to the feeling of the original show and the original show had stilted dialogue, questionable plot, and insane visuals. This movie suffers from the same live action adaptation issues that most comic, game, or cartoon movie tends to have which is trying to appeal to too large an audience with a more generic and dumbed down version of the plot. also probably doesn't exactly help when every character drones every line out 100% monotone.

  Basic Premise of the movie, Aeon Works with The Monicans a secret resistance group in the town of...monica? and they are fighting against the Goodchilds who run the government that...ummm....is... evil? All i know about their government is that all guards must wear motorcycle helmets and they do a lot of standing around on weird cement structures also the grass and tree gourds want to kill you. Ultimately the most evil thing we see the government do is make people disappear in the city. Which Spoiler we find out is because everyone in this world is sterile or barren and they have been cloning the how ever many people are in the city over and over again to make sure the human race survives. 

 I guess not making multiples of the same person because they don't want inbreeding or something vague reasons defined. also their is brain wi-fi conference call pills,surveillance disruption eggs, recorded water messages, voice controlled ball bearings, and a woman with hands for feet... and hands for hands. But none of that particularly Bothers me at all if anything i find that all those are tame comparison to the show or comic. The whole Affair commits the Action Movie catastrophe of being incredibly boring, it has a handful well done action bits and Charlize Theron in skimpy outfits but with the pacing and flow of Ketchup out of a glass bottle"nothing happening, nothing happening, nothing happening, nothing happening, nothing happening, oh shit every thing's drowning in tomato. 

Bottom Line if you know and liked the show you aren't going to like this movie at all. if you don't know the show its a movie that will leave you with the feeling of "well that happened"  and that's about it. I give it a 4/10 almost middle of the road but not quite there.