Christopher Lambert's Beowulf (Blacklance)

                 Alright I have to be upfront and honest I get a strange feeling of joy during every Christopher Lambert movie I've ever seen. I'm not sure why but for some reason I have a really hard time taking just about anything he does seriously making just about every movie he's in a comedy to me. That being said today's movie is Beowulf. Based on an Old English poem, the intro sets the scene to apparently take place in future past almost a steam punk-ish setting. It shows a king matching though his castle barking orders with a crazy metal mask on. And as soon as he comes to a room where outright slaughter is happening then throws off his metal mask... why did you wear it then? apparently the next morning a woman runs out of the castle to get away from whatever’s in it and she is immediately picked up by a wall of guards and strapped to a table to get a shave by the largest straight razor ever build (I think it was supposed to be a futuristic guillotine) then Christopher Lambert badasses his way on screen, telling the guards to cut her down. The leader pays him no mind and continues to prepare the execution.

        Fight scene happens and the leader decides to cut his losses and let the girl because Beowulf (CL) has the special effects team on his side and no one can defeat him and his poorly done wire-work. Beowulf heads towards the Castle with the girl who immediately when she sees where he's heading jumps off the horse and runs to the guard lines where she promptly loses her head. What does that make the last scene... i believe that makes it... completely pointless. I’m going to be honest your going to only need to know 3 human characters in this movie Beowulf, Kyra (the love interest and kings daughter), and The King, this movie is absolutely littered with dead men walking just there to add to the body count. A long portion of this movie really ends up being pointless character building and exposition about things that hold no importance to the plot.

         I just realized I might have left several people in the dark here with no idea what’s going on. for those of you who didn't read the book or know the story because of the 2007 Computer Generated more accurate version let me sum up the story, the king had sex with a demon an incredibly sexy demon but a demon none the less in the poem it’s for the power and strength to rule over the land, here there is no motivation is given. The king gets what he wants and the demon gets what she wants a child called Grendel half man half demon who when he grows up constantly harasses the king but refuses to kill his own father just most of the people around him. That's the part of the story that this movie is trying to convey, and quite poorly I might add.

           Well I suppose I can't just list deaths at this point in order, weapons master dies, exposition, then a new character shows up Blondie McFanservice (aka the demon) she shows up in nothing but fishnets licks the kings nose while he’s sleeping dry humps him a little bit and wanders off. Sounds a bit weird but she does it like 3 times in this movie. Weapon masters friend dies. 90's equipping montage with Beowulf and he’s ready to fight Grendel. Sooo they lock all the women and children inside a great hall of some kind and of course all of them get slaughtered by Grendel.  With a few guards deaths and a few ridiculous pieces of wire work Beowulf hurts Grendel after Grendel cripples the leg of the head of the guard and injures Beowulf. then Grendel scuttles off to where ever he hides. At this point I believe it pertinent to mention the fact that Grendel generally looks like something a power rangers Villain would poop out covered in a terrible looking CG purple mist and every weapon in this movie kind of looks like it was picked up at a dollar store costume shop. 

         Lets rap this thing up Beowulf is "mortally injured" but because main character he has wolverines healing factor for the night and is ready for round 2 with Grendel. A CRAP TON of exposition happens here to try and give meaningless characters more back story bla bla bla Kyra killed her husband Bla Bla Bla head of the guard is in love with Kyra but is banished to the friend zone bla bla bla. Beowulf goes down to their castle storage unit that they keep all their pillars and muddy water in and fights Grendel by doing back flips till he gets grabbed and then cutting of Grendel's arm. They hang it on a rope in the middle of the castle because that’s what you do with monster arms. They decide it’s over cause I mean he’s probably dead I guess. And Mama Demon shows up and kills all the remaining survivors. Then the king and Kyra confront the Mama demon and now with 7 minutes of movie left they explain the plot and why Grendel is there and that it’s the kings son ... BOOOORRRINGG . Grendel finally gives his old man a big old hug...and crushes his ribs. Kyra gets bitch slapped unconscious and Beowulf comes flipping down on visible wires from the rafters. Mama tries seducing him Beowulf says "naaaa just boned Kyra I’m good" and Mama turns into 90's CG and fight ensues. Beowulf lights Mama On fire and escapes with Kyra on horseback too go somewhere the end.
          Seriously this movie has more problems the more you know about it. The Choreography is shoddy at best. The actors chew the scenery and worst of all it doesn't even tell most of the story that makes Beowulf interesting till the last 7 minutes of the movie. Unless you’re a hard core Christopher Lambert Fan you probably won’t like this movie and even if you are you’re probably going to like this for the total wrong reasons. This movie is hilarious every part of it has something ridiculous to make fun of but here’s where I rate it. For an actual movie that you take seriously this movie is a 2.5 out of 10 but for those of you who love a bad movie and love movies you can pick apart as you watch this is a solid 7 out of 10 for pure cheese goodness.