Christopher Lambert's Beowulf (Blacklance)

                 Alright I have to be upfront and honest I get a strange feeling of joy during every Christopher Lambert movie I've ever seen. I'm not sure why but for some reason I have a really hard time taking just about anything he does seriously making just about every movie he's in a comedy to me. That being said today's movie is Beowulf. Based on an Old English poem, the intro sets the scene to apparently take place in future past almost a steam punk-ish setting. It shows a king matching though his castle barking orders with a crazy metal mask on. And as soon as he comes to a room where outright slaughter is happening then throws off his metal mask... why did you wear it then? apparently the next morning a woman runs out of the castle to get away from whatever’s in it and she is immediately picked up by a wall of guards and strapped to a table to get a shave by the largest straight razor ever build (I think it was supposed to be a futuristic guillotine) then Christopher Lambert badasses his way on screen, telling the guards to cut her down. The leader pays him no mind and continues to prepare the execution.

        Fight scene happens and the leader decides to cut his losses and let the girl because Beowulf (CL) has the special effects team on his side and no one can defeat him and his poorly done wire-work. Beowulf heads towards the Castle with the girl who immediately when she sees where he's heading jumps off the horse and runs to the guard lines where she promptly loses her head. What does that make the last scene... i believe that makes it... completely pointless. I’m going to be honest your going to only need to know 3 human characters in this movie Beowulf, Kyra (the love interest and kings daughter), and The King, this movie is absolutely littered with dead men walking just there to add to the body count. A long portion of this movie really ends up being pointless character building and exposition about things that hold no importance to the plot.

         I just realized I might have left several people in the dark here with no idea what’s going on. for those of you who didn't read the book or know the story because of the 2007 Computer Generated more accurate version let me sum up the story, the king had sex with a demon an incredibly sexy demon but a demon none the less in the poem it’s for the power and strength to rule over the land, here there is no motivation is given. The king gets what he wants and the demon gets what she wants a child called Grendel half man half demon who when he grows up constantly harasses the king but refuses to kill his own father just most of the people around him. That's the part of the story that this movie is trying to convey, and quite poorly I might add.

           Well I suppose I can't just list deaths at this point in order, weapons master dies, exposition, then a new character shows up Blondie McFanservice (aka the demon) she shows up in nothing but fishnets licks the kings nose while he’s sleeping dry humps him a little bit and wanders off. Sounds a bit weird but she does it like 3 times in this movie. Weapon masters friend dies. 90's equipping montage with Beowulf and he’s ready to fight Grendel. Sooo they lock all the women and children inside a great hall of some kind and of course all of them get slaughtered by Grendel.  With a few guards deaths and a few ridiculous pieces of wire work Beowulf hurts Grendel after Grendel cripples the leg of the head of the guard and injures Beowulf. then Grendel scuttles off to where ever he hides. At this point I believe it pertinent to mention the fact that Grendel generally looks like something a power rangers Villain would poop out covered in a terrible looking CG purple mist and every weapon in this movie kind of looks like it was picked up at a dollar store costume shop. 

         Lets rap this thing up Beowulf is "mortally injured" but because main character he has wolverines healing factor for the night and is ready for round 2 with Grendel. A CRAP TON of exposition happens here to try and give meaningless characters more back story bla bla bla Kyra killed her husband Bla Bla Bla head of the guard is in love with Kyra but is banished to the friend zone bla bla bla. Beowulf goes down to their castle storage unit that they keep all their pillars and muddy water in and fights Grendel by doing back flips till he gets grabbed and then cutting of Grendel's arm. They hang it on a rope in the middle of the castle because that’s what you do with monster arms. They decide it’s over cause I mean he’s probably dead I guess. And Mama Demon shows up and kills all the remaining survivors. Then the king and Kyra confront the Mama demon and now with 7 minutes of movie left they explain the plot and why Grendel is there and that it’s the kings son ... BOOOORRRINGG . Grendel finally gives his old man a big old hug...and crushes his ribs. Kyra gets bitch slapped unconscious and Beowulf comes flipping down on visible wires from the rafters. Mama tries seducing him Beowulf says "naaaa just boned Kyra I’m good" and Mama turns into 90's CG and fight ensues. Beowulf lights Mama On fire and escapes with Kyra on horseback too go somewhere the end.
          Seriously this movie has more problems the more you know about it. The Choreography is shoddy at best. The actors chew the scenery and worst of all it doesn't even tell most of the story that makes Beowulf interesting till the last 7 minutes of the movie. Unless you’re a hard core Christopher Lambert Fan you probably won’t like this movie and even if you are you’re probably going to like this for the total wrong reasons. This movie is hilarious every part of it has something ridiculous to make fun of but here’s where I rate it. For an actual movie that you take seriously this movie is a 2.5 out of 10 but for those of you who love a bad movie and love movies you can pick apart as you watch this is a solid 7 out of 10 for pure cheese goodness.

monster brawl (hyperCritical)

       Hello grunts and scabs, for all intensive purposes I shall be known as Hyper Critical, your purveyor of the river of filth that is underground cinema, chop-Saki theatrics and macabre celluloid. Today’s' entree is delightfully called Monster Brawl (not to get confused with the Haley Berry movie with the stupid long sex scene). basically in a nut shell its every conversation that starts off with " who would win in a fight?" know strip it down so we don't get copyright infringement from universal and you got out N.C.W./monster crossover. 

       We have adversaries with such creative titles as Witch Bitch, zombie man, and a dear favorite of mine; Swamp Gut. Be prepared for a colossal waste of your time as we throw the slowest fight scenes known to man and the lamest use of monster in film to date. Generally speaking the monster fights in a W.C.W. / N.C.W. style doesn't sound like a bad idea kind of lame but still something that was somewhat entertaining. but once you see the choreography of the fights and the pacing of the whole movie you literally are waiting for the monsters do do their finishing move... oh yeah I forgot about the finishing moves every time the match ends with a finishing move and the random guest star shot which I swear to Drokk sound like the mortal kombat announcer stating the obvious.

         The flicker of hope was instilled by Dave Foley of Kids in the Hall Fame (more than likely collecting dat check ya-know-what-I’m-saying?). Jimmy hart is also starring in this flick to do what else but cash in on being a hype man again just like in W.W.E. but the serious thing missing from this movie is talent. now that sounds a little harsh but wrestling was always about keeping you on the edge of your seat entertained and this movies slow drawn out pace honestly makes it more akin to pulling teeth than putting me on the edge of my seat. I've never felt more like nothing was happening in a ring than while watching this movie. Overall I obviously don't suggest this one but if you’re into masochism on a film level this should do the trick.

2.8/10 real rating

8/10 on the shit Richter scale

Intro and "A Boy and His Dog"

           Hello and welcome to Wasteland Cinematica this is a project that myself Blacklance and my cohort Hyper Critical will be hosting, we Intend to review movies here of all shapes and sizes with no limit on age, quality or prior rating in the world wide web this is simply perspective from our humble minds. I found that I had a few opinions on certain movies that I had not seen voiced or not conveyed in my own personal mannerisms so I figured that we could change that. So without further adieu I present to you what I believe to be a fitting first movie review "A Boy and his Dog".

         A Boy and his Dog  was Released In 1975 based on a short Novel By  Harlan Ellison, starring Don Johnson As Vic(Albert) and His Dog Blood (obviously) voiced by Tim McIntire the story begins as most post apocalyptic movies do with a opening scroll some history as to how the world has ended up the way that it is. The year is apparently 2024 and massive world war caused the world to go to hell in a hand-basket you know like usual. 

      With that we are thrown into Vic and Blood having a conversation as they search for food, water and females, you know the necessities in life. But wait, Vic and the dog are having a conversation? What? You find that Vic and Blood have a telepathic link to one another and apparently both of them are smart asses. As they search the waste Blood gives us more Exposition as to how the world ended up this way. He explains that there was a world war III and then a world war IV.

      World war 4 apparently only lasted 5 days before complete nuclear fallout took place and now the world is a barren wasteland with roving packs of raiders and mutants stretching all across the land. Sound familiar? Other than obviously every other post apocalyptic movie out there several of these key elements found their way into Fallout. But where was I? Oh yes after a while they find a group of scavengers digging up food in the desert.

       Vic decides to steal the bag of food he sees the head of the band set on the ground. And boy does he steal it subtly, if by subtly I mean he runs 2 block of desert over with blatant disregard for safety grabs the food hits a small child over the head with the bag of cans and firing his pistol on the fly as the scavengers fire at him. After he escapes the raiders blood and he gorge themselves and decide because they have so much Food they can afford to go to a nearby camp. 

   The nearby camp they go to catch a movie which appears to be c-grade porn which leads me to believe that not even a nuclear war can stop people looking at porn. While in the movie theater blood smell a woman which from what I can gather up to this point don't tend to last long in this world because they get found raped and murdered by the roving bands. After blood and Vic have an argument over popcorn (yes really) blood points out the female and they track her to a nearby ruin of lockers and boiler rooms. When we get to the bombed out locker boiler room emporium were treated to a scene of Vic about to rape a woman. OUR HERO!!

        Obviously blood was not the only person at the camp to spot the woman. When blood says there is upwards of 15 raiders at the entrance shootout in sues. in order to escape what would be certain death the pretend to be Screamer's yes they are called screamers we get a vague explanation for what they are and that is they are mutants that emit radiation and glow green and yes apparently they constantly scream. Then we are treated to a multiple sex seen in a boiler. We come to find that the girl is from "down under" and Blood doesn't trust her at all. Arguments in-sue when Vic wants to take the girl with them. When Vic goes to try and get her from the boiler room the girl knocks Vic out and leaves a key card to get into the Vault....... I mean “down Under" for Vic.

            Vic wants to go after the girl but blood tries to convince him out of it. Now real spoilers here so are warned. Vic goes "down under" and finds that society down there because they've been down there so long every so often needs new blood in their gene pool to keep them going and Vic was a perfect specimen. Vic believes that he will get to sleep with all the women down there but of course it’s sadly not that way. He is strapped to a table and pumped by a machine like he was cattle. The girl he was hunting for is found out to be a plant to get Vic down there with the promise of a spot on the board; the board is the small group of people that control every aspect of life "down Under". I have to address this, seriously? Down under? There are far too many sexual jokes and Disney jokes I could make with that name. Anyways. Girl doesn't get put on the board she gets pissed she frees Vic asking him to kill the current board.

Vic says Fuck this I don't give a shit about your down under I’m heading back to Blood cause this shit is cray cray. Long story short the girl didn't have particularly good taste. The end.

            To be honest for the time and the subject matter I believe this is a really good movie it has good atmosphere the characters are fairly well developed and you feel involved in the story, you care what happens to the characters which in post apocalyptic movie is kind of a hard thing to pull off. Even with the awkward almost rape in the middle they found a way to make the character likable. The dialogue between Blood and Vic honestly make this movie. When Blood and Vic are separated you really feel the loss and distance between the way the world is and the way the Down under colony lives but there is until the overlaying truth that when things go to hell you really have to be in it for yourself. I suggest this movie whole heartily.  I give this movie 8 out of 10.